


He's My Reaction

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey, WWE
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Cumshot, F/M, Female Ejaculation, Fingerfucking, Fluff, Hand Jobs, M/M, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Squirting, Threesome, Vaginal Sex, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-02-05
Updated: 2009-02-05
Packaged: 2017-11-29 10:43:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/686032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Die leaves the after party early to find some relief for his migraine. Hours later, he's awoken by something he never expected.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	He's My Reaction

**Author's Note:**

> Beta Readers: witheringwhite, Aoi~  
> Song[s]: "Tourniquet" by Marilyn Manson  
> Picture: [Amy Dumas (Lita)](http://i420.photobucket.com/albums/pp289/evocativefics/lita2008dm4.jpg)

Die's POV

It's the middle of the night... must be about four in the morning, actually. I slipped off hours ago from the after party, a migraine pounding my temples and beating my brain into something I could no longer recognize. I took a couple pills, showered, and then slid into the welcoming cocoon of the soft hotel sheets, longing for sleep to come.

I must have left the party around eleven or so, needing so desperately to get away from the noise and lights that hurt me so badly. I probably fell asleep around midnight, the pounding in my head subsiding a bit with the prescription drugs dissolving in my system. Pleasure.

But now... now I'm awake and I can't quite figure out what woke me up. Usually, when I take these damn pills, I'm out until someone's jumping on my bed, screaming my name and the lights are in my eyes. But nothing like that is happening. Instead, the lights are off, only a faint light from the moon outside seeping in, and no one is bouncing on my bed screaming at me. I shift a bit, slightly confused.

Just as I start to sit up, I hear a soft, very feminine moan from the other bed in the room. My head turns and my eyes go wide. What the...?

Kaoru's muscled body is framed against the backdrop of the moonlight, his forearms supporting him on either side of the very familiar body of a raven-haired, tattooed woman. Her breasts move, bouncing as Kaoru labors over her, his body surging forward and then sliding back. My eyes slide over them, taking in everything, as I lay quietly in my bed, trying to pretend to still be asleep. Her thighs are parted, her breathing coming in short gasps as he fucks her.

But then, Kaoru takes her leg, small tattooed hand dragging up her thigh to the hollow of her knee, lifting and turning her slightly. "Lita," he moans so quietly I almost think I've imagined it. He takes the new angle, his own leg slipping back just enough for me to see something I never thought I would in reality. The light of the moon shines down between them, giving me just enough of a glow to watch as he penetrates her, his condom-covered cock pushing in deep and then withdrawing from her glistening pussy.

I swallow the moan that's on my lips, knowing I shouldn't be watching something so incredibly intimate. I should close my eyes and cover my head with the sheet - do the polite thing. But I can't look away. I can't just stop watching the man that I've regarded as being my equal for so many years as he draws pleasure from this woman, Lita of all people, in his bed.

My own cock starts to respond to the scene, engorging with blood as my cheeks flush in arousal. Even my nipples are hard. I'd give almost anything to be able to slide my hand down and stroke myself while I watch them. But that would hardly be appropriate. As it is, I'm far outside my boundaries as a friend and bandmate.

His hand slips down between them, searching for and finding her clit, flicking the little nub with his thumb as she pants softly. My own fingers twitch slightly, emulating on my thigh what I'd do to Lita if it were me in his place. His mouth moves to her neck and he sucks on the skin there hard enough to leave a mark. Her hips arch a bit, the muscles of her ass clenching as she mewls beneath his touch. His finger moves faster, circling the wet nub more urgently, his hips thrusting faster, harder.

I throb in need, my cock twitching beneath the sheets, my belly quivering with how tense I am. I shouldn't be... I shouldn't watch... I... oh god.

Her body arches gracefully, her tits bouncing softly as she moves, a low moan falling from her throat. Her legs clamp on Kaoru's body, but he keeps right on moving, if anything going faster, moving his thumb more swiftly over her clit. And then she's trembling, her fingers raking down his sides, leaving red welts in their path. I watch as she gushes, emptying herself out on the bed and across his thighs. He moans low in his throat, pushing her leg up more and moving his hand away to brace on the headboard as he plunges into her faster and harder. The bed springs protest and she clings to him, making these tiny noises as he fucks her into the mattress.

His ass flexes so beautifully, his every motion making me only want him more. And then, I know, he's almost there. A hitch of his breath, the stutter of his hips and then one final thrust as he buries himself in her with a guttural growl.

I shudder, my body wanting so badly to finish with them, but my mind knowing it isn't right. I ache, I tingle, and more than that, my cheeks are on fire with both embarrassment and arousal. I close my eyes and slowly bring my leg up enough to try to hide the significant tent I'm making in the sheets. I'm surprised I can keep my breathing steady, but I manage somehow. Probably out of pure terror that I'll be found out.

I listen to them moving around, clothing being put on, the condom hitting the trashcan between the beds... them kissing. Listening to a kiss is perhaps more erotic than seeing it and my body suddenly realizes it, my dick twitching as my hand fists in the bottom sheet. I'm trying so hard to not be noticed. I just pray to god he'll go shower or something.

They walk around a bit, no idea what they're doing, but I don't care anymore. The minutes tick by and I feel like I'm becoming more aroused by the second. Then again, the fact that I'm flexing my cock ever so slightly doesn't help. I could cum so fast right now. Just envisioning Kaoru as he moves over Lita's well-toned, tattooed body... fuck. I shiver again, listening as the door shuts and the security locks are turned. The sound of Kaoru unzipping his pants and then the cloth hitting the floor. He's naked... he's fucking naked again.

His footsteps stop between our beds and I hear him yawn. Then, "Die?" his voice so soft, built to check if I'm awake, not wake me up.

I don't move, though my breath hitches for a second. Now I'm scared... terrified. Has he figured me out? Does he know I was watching? What if he minds? What if he's mad? Worse, what if he tells Lita?

But then he simply moves again, plopping down in the bed and setting the alarm on the bedside table. The covers rustle and I know he's going to sleep.

I breathe again, more deeply after a few minutes. I'm achingly hard still and I long to do something about it. My hips keep pushing up of their own accord I'm so horny. If only I weren't naked under here. How stupid could I possibly be? Who goes to bed naked when they have a roommate? Oh... right... Kaoru, too, apparently. I guess we just don't ditch our habits from home is all. And why should we? We're both supposed to be straight.

But then... I've been lying for years. I never have been and never will be. If I thought I could fuck a guy and get away with it, I'd do it. Thing is, I don't want to ruin my career over a good lay. There's no point. I'm attracted to women all the same and that's just how it'll stay.

When he starts snoring, I almost thank any higher being that will listen to me. My hand slips down and I grasp my cock, giving it a few firm tugs before I can't take it. Burying my face into my pillow, I release the smallest moan, my hand frantically moving over my swollen length. I'm so fast, just as quick as when I play certain parts of our songs. And god does it feel good. My free hand fists the covers and my toes curl as I arch into my own touch, fire burning in my abdomen. So close... so fucking close.

My heart beats frantically in my chest, my abdomen quivers with need and then I find my end. One more tug and I'm spilling myself out onto the hotel sheets with a groan I can't contain. My world spins and my heart's in my throat, my entire body tingling. It takes me almost two full minutes before I can think right again and another five to calm my frantic breathing. I haven't cum that hard from my own hand since I was a teenager.

I crack my eyes open, glancing over at Kaoru's bed. He's still facing away from me, but he's not snoring anymore. I blush, wondering if I accidentally woke him up. I duck my head under the covers and lick the cum from my fingers, not wanting to leave more on the bed and frankly... I like the taste. With a soft sigh, I tuck myself back in a bit more comfortably and simply watch Kaoru's back until I drift off to sleep again.

\---

Three days... it's been three days since he fucked that girl and I watched. And I can't get beyond it. I can't even hit on girls myself because I'm so worked up. All I see when I close my eyes is him, his body slicked with sweat as his muscles flex, his cock plunging into that girl's body. I want to watch him again. And, when I'm honest, I want him to fuck me instead.

It's been making things awkward between us and I don't even think he knows why. I can't look him in the eye anymore and I don't even look up when he talks to me. I'll answer him and I'll listen, but I can't look at him. I'm scared to death that if I do, he'll see the lust in my eyes and understand that it's for him.

I'll get over it, I know I will. But I never should have kept watching. I should have gotten up and left... stepped out for a few smokes. I don't know... anything other than what I did. And I certainly shouldn't have indulged in releasing myself to the mental picture of him fucking her. Sick... I'm a sick, sick person.

I'm glad we have today off from a show. If we didn't, I'd be a nervous wreck and fuck up something. Who am I kidding, I'm a nervous wreck anyway. I shift uncomfortably in my seat and heave a soft sigh. The driver just told me we're about ten minutes from our hotel for the night. Kaoru already said we were rooming together again. Whenever we split up, it's always Kyo getting his own room, Toshiya and Shinya in one, and Kaoru and I in the other. Has been since we all found out Kyo talks in his sleep. The things he says are so disturbing we just decided to let him alone.

I'm nervous, I certainly can't deny that. My hands are even shaking. I think I'll spend a good portion of time at the bar if they have one. If they don't, I might hunt one out for the sake of drinking myself stupid. Having made my decision, I vacate the bus as fast as I can once we're at the hotel, going in even ahead of Nora to check in and get the room key for Kaoru and me. I worm my way through the paperwork and shit and get the damn keys, shoving one at Kaoru and bolting for the stairs rather than the elevator that he pauses at.

Taking them two at a time, I make it to the fourth floor and into the room in record time. I toss my shit on one of the beds and dig through to get a new set of clothing out. Once I have, I slip into the restroom, stripping and getting in the shower as fast as I can. I will wash and get the fuck out of here. I'm dirty and can't stand that.

I'm on my hair by the time I hear a knock at the bathroom door. "Die?"

I wince, thankful for the tan plastic rather than the clear plastic some hotels have. "Yes?" My voice shakes. Fuck me.

The bathroom door opens and I can hear Kaoru walk in, shutting it behind him. "Sorry, I have to piss and I'd rather not be rude and do it in their sink."

I grunt, rinsing out my hair and then picking up my razor and staring to shave. First my face, which I'm done with before Kaoru even starts to empty his bladder, then my armpits and then my legs. Call me stupid, but I hate hair. My shaving foam smells manly, at least. So no one suspects a thing... I don't think.

I'm halfway done with my second leg before I realize I never heard Kaoru leave. Giving the shower curtain a confused look, I shake my head, continuing to shave. Positioning my leg just right, I begin the careful task of shaving my neither regions, concentrating on it fully. Pausing, I realize I left my little mirror on the back of the toilet. I narrow my eyes and put my razor down, shifting around and hiding behind the curtain, my arm reaching out to grope around to find it. I end up grabbing Kaoru's arm instead.

He yelps and I yank away, my back hitting the tile as I gasp. "Fuck! What the hell?!"

"I could ask you the same!" His voice sounds surprised and slightly upset.

I glare at the curtain. "I swear to god, if you're taking a shit out there while I'm in here, I'll kill you." And I truly mean it, because that's just... no.

"I'm reading," his voice sounds embarrassed and I breathe a sigh of relief. Well, at least he's not gonna stink the place up.

"So go read elsewhere!"

He sighs. "What the hell did you grope my shoulder for?"

I bite my lip, nervously looking at the floor. "I need my mirror off the back of the toilet."

"Oh." I hear him moving around and then a second later, his hand invades the shower, my little mirror in it. "Here."

I snatch it from his hand, my heart beating frantically. "Thanks." My voice is so small and pathetic sounding. I just stand there under the spray of the water, damn near terrified. There is no way in hell I can leave this shower until he leaves the room. And I can't even bring myself to make sure I've shaved properly until he leaves.

I'm an idiot. It hits me as I stand there, shaking like a retard, that I am a full-blown moron. There is no way he knows I watched him, much less that I jerked off while thinking about him. And I'm only making him suspicious of me by being stupid. I take a deep breath and put my leg back up on the edge of the tub, glaring first at the curtain and then at the mirror as I examine myself. I missed a patch.

Wrinkling my nose, I grab my razor and the foam again, putting foam on myself and then looking at the curtain that separates me from him. "Kaoru?"

"Yeah?"

"I swear I will castrate you if you do anything to scare me right now. I will attack you with his razor." A second after I tell him that, I realize I just gave away what I'm doing.

He chokes on air, laughing. "You shave... there?"

"I did not say that." I glare indignantly at the curtain before quickly shaving where I missed and then washing off. He's still laughing and I take the mirror and reach out, smacking him on the shoulder with it before letting it fall onto the back of the toilet again. "Fucker."

By the time I'm done making sure I'm smooth and washed everywhere, he still hasn't left and I have no idea in hell how I'm getting out of here. I turn off the water and wait for almost two minutes before I sigh in exasperation. "Are you leaving some time this year?"

His hand appears, holding out a towel and I yank it from him with a growl. It's dinky, not even enough to wrap around my waist all the way. No way in hell I am getting out of here with that on. I dry off completely and then towel my hair off. I drop it to the floor and stand on it, this time shoving my hand out. "Give me my underwear."

"What on earth is your problem today? You have paraded around half-naked in front of me for years and now suddenly you're all uptight?" All the same, my boxers appear in his hand inside the shower.

I grab them and yank them on a bit viciously, shoving my hand back out. "T-shirt. Gimme."

"Die..." his voice holds a warning note, "you're being childish!" Something soft brushes my fingertips and I grasp it and pull. Kaoru yelps and suddenly a book swats me. "Dude! I'm not interested in showering fully clothed!"

I let go, yanking my hand back, my cheeks burning now. What the hell did I just grab? His shirt? His... boxers? I almost moan. Oh god, why me? I mean, seriously, why me? My jeans appear over the top of the shower rod and I yank them down, putting them on as fast as I can with shaking hands. My heart is stuck in my throat and my blood is frozen in my veins. Terrified is an understatement. He gives me my t-shirt and I yank it on so hard I rip the side of it.

I leave my stuff behind, yanking the curtain back and fleeing for the door. I slam it shut behind me and all but run for my flip-flops. I shove my feet into them and reach for my wallet and stuff. But... it's in the bathroom. I hear the toilet flush and I panic. I have to get out of here. I can't have this discussion right now, not while I'm scared out of my mind that he'll find out everything. Later, not now.

Without a second thought, I yank open the door and leave, running for the stairs and taking them half-flights at a time, using the rail. I all but fall out the back door into the alley and keep going from there. By the time I slow to a walk, I'm far enough from the hotel that I don't even think I can find my way back. Bowing my head, I walk along, regretting that I left my jacket behind. It's freezing. I'm freezing. And I'm wearing flip-flops and my hair is soaking wet. Inoue would kill me... _Kaoru_ would kill me.

Shivering, I keep walking. If I'd brought my fucking wallet, I could get a cup of coffee somewhere. But no, I had to freak out and run like a damn kid. I'm thirty, not a child, so why do I act like one? But I only do when it comes to him. That alone tells me all I need to know and it scares me a bit.

With a sigh, I double back, coming back down the other side of the street. My fingertips are frozen, even in my jeans pocket and I think my hair is somehow turning into ice on my head. A good hour of wandering tells me I have no fucking idea where the hotel is and for the life of me, I can't remember the name of it. I can't call the guys because they'd all be overseas numbers. Praying I'm not going to get turned down, I walk into this little mom and pop restaurant, so cold I'm shaking, and walk to the counter.

An elderly woman greets me, giving me a concerned look. I manage to open my mouth and attempt to explain. "I need to use a phone... but the number... is not local." I've decided to call Nora and pray she's awake. "I'm in a band... and I got lost... and-"

She cuts me off, holding out her cell phone to me and I grasp her hands in mine, bowing a bit as I take the phone and dial with trembling fingers. I wait on Nora to answer and she does on the final ring, sounding out of breath.

_Hello?_

At least I can talk to her in my mother tongue. "Nora, it's me, Die. I left in a rush and I got kind of... lost. And I don't even remember the name of the hotel anymore."

 _"Fuck! Die! You've had us worried sick! Kyo and Kaoru are out looking for you. Toshiya's calling places and Shinya's pacing. What the hell happened?!"_ She sounds... livid would be an understatement.

"I'm sorry. I... I panicked. I don't really want to talk about it." I squint up at the sign and try to read it, failing miserably. "I... I'll let the woman whose phone this is tell you where I'm at, okay?"

_"Okay."_

I hold the phone out to the lady, still shaking. "Can you tell Nora where I am?" I point at the sign. "Can't pronounce that." I give her a sheepish look.

She smiles at me and takes the phone, holding a quick conversation including the French sounding name of the establishment and directions to where we're at. As soon as she hangs up, she comes around the counter and takes my arm, guiding me to a booth. "Sit."

I sit, shaking like a leaf.

She disappears and when she comes back a number of minutes later, she places a mug of coffee down in front of me along with a plate of eggs. She points at them. "Eat."

I blink at her. I'm being mothered by a woman who doesn't know me from squat. I pat my pockets and give her a worried look. "No money," I murmur, upset that she'd go to this trouble and I can't pay.

She shakes her head. "Free. Now eat." She brandishes a fork at me and I take it with a sheepish grin.

"Thank you."

She smiles as I start to shovel the eggs in, alternating bites of food with drinks of coffee. I can feel my fingers again and the fact that I skipped dinner makes the eggs a blessing. She wanders off to fill a few drinks and then comes back, refilling my coffee and then sitting down across from me. "What band?"

I glance at her and then around the establishment. No one seems young enough to give a shit, so I swallow and blot my mouth with a napkin. "Dir en grey."

Her eyes glitter. "Granddaughter knows you." She stands up and goes to put the coffee pot away, returning with a thick book in her hands. She puts it on the table next to me. "Hers."

I eat the last bite of egg and drink some coffee as I regard it. It's old, tattered and obviously loved. One of our fanclub magazines from years ago. I smile a bit. "Pen?"

She grunts, getting up and walking off again. When she comes back, she hands me a thick black Sharpie. I take it and carefully open the book to my section and sign in the corner, making sure not to cover words. Fans can get really upset about that. Not that I blame them. I blow on it and then close it, smiling. "As thanks."

She nods and then reaches over, pulling off one of the carefully hand-crafted menus and slides it to me. "For me?"

I have to grin at that. I sign it in huge scrawling script, adding a note of 'thanks for the eggs and coffee' to the top of it and then holding it out to her.

She takes it and her Sharpie and goes behind the counter, tucking it away. She's fast to come back, but she stands beside me instead, reaching out and touching my hair. She clucks her tongue and shakes her head. "Wet. You'll catch cold."

I blush, not daring to lean away from her. She strikes me like my own mother and I'd never disrespect her in such a manner. I duck my head and she leaves once more. When she comes back this time, she's got a warm towel and she gives it to me, her eyes on the door. "Your friends are here."

I scrub the towel over my hair and turn to see them. Nora and Kaoru appear to be yelling at one another. Great. I try to hand the towel back as I stand up, but she pushes it back at me. "You keep." She starts me toward the door. "Go be a good boy." If it were any other situation, I'd laugh. I'm anything but the good boy of the band.

But I just smile at her and nod, thanking her three times before I'm out the door and she's fiddling over another customer. Instantly, Kaoru and Nora stop arguing and Nora's hand comes out to smack me upside the head. "You worried us sick!"

I wince. "Sorry! I was upset!" I put the towel over my head, not caring how stupid it looks. I'm cold again. My gaze goes to Kaoru and I find him staring at me like he's been completely crushed. He looks at least five years older than he did when I left. I feel ashamed of myself and I shift a bit, sighing. "Can we go back now?"

Nora stalks off down the street and Kaoru and I follow, trailing behind her and her pissed off aura. I don't blame her, not one bit. Inoue would blame her if I managed to get hurt somehow. As it is, he probably already crawled up her ass and died if he's found out I was missing.

I really do feel like a child. Who else runs off and throws a fit, then gets lost? Stupid and pathetic. I glance at Kaoru again. He's staring at the ground, his arms wrapped around himself and he's shaking. It's only then that I notice he has no coat either. He left the hotel in exactly what he had on and nothing more.

I swallow hard as we turn the corner. Five more minutes and we're at the hotel again. Nora takes the stairs and Kaoru and I wait on the elevator. We still haven't said a word to one another. I don't know what to say and I guess he has nothing to say to me.

Once we're in the room, he sits on the edge of his bed and I instantly, sit on mine, curling up in my blankets. Kaoru's shaking, but he doesn't move to make himself warmer. I find myself staring at him until I hear my phone ringing in the bathroom. He gets up and goes to get it without a word. Coming back, he places my clothing on the edge of my bed and goes back to sit down on his own.

I pull out my phone and answer it on the last ring. Kyo's voice explodes in my ear and I wince.

"Andou Daisuke! I swear to god I will beat your ass when I see you next!"

I swallow hard. "Hi, Kyo."

"Hi, yourself, fuckhead. Do you have any idea how worried we all were?!"

I've never heard Kyo upset over something like this before. He sounds both pissed and slightly fearful. "I'm sorry." What else can I say? It was stupid and childish of me. I know that.

"What were you thinking?" He's calmed down a bit.

"I wasn't." Not quite true... but I wasn't thinking of what I was doing.

He sighs. "Just... how's Kaoru?"

I look up at him and he's still facing away from me, bent over, his arms resting on his thighs and his head bowed. "Mad, I think."

"I doubt it." Kyo's really quiet now. "He was crying, Die. When he first called me to see if you were in my room, he sounded so terrified. It took me fifteen minutes to get him to calm down enough for us to go out looking for you." A car horn sounds and Kyo cusses someone out. "I'm on my way back now. Nora called to say they found you with some old lady in a restaurant."

"Yeah... I'm sorry... I really am." I know I shouldn't say more on the subject of Kaoru with him right here. It's him I need to talk to about that, not our vocalist. I sigh softly. "I was an idiot."

"No shit." The sound of a door slamming. "Listen, I've gotta go. But talk to Kaoru, okay? He's not mad at anyone but himself." A pause and then, "He fucking needs you, Die. Don't go running off like a damn child again. Got it?"

I close my eyes and nod. "Yeah."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"See you tomorrow, then." He hangs up before I can reply and I lower the phone and stare at it. It ends the call and then tells me I have four missed alerts. When I check them, they're all from Kaoru. I set my phone aside and stand up quietly, bringing my blanket with me. I settle behind him and reach out, enfolding him in the blanket, my arms around him from behind, my body pressing against his. He's frozen solid and he's shaking slightly.

"Die, I... I-"

I cut him off, knowing I need to say this first, no matter what he has to say. "No, Kaoru. I'm sorry. I behaved childishly and without rational reason. I had no right to worry any of you that way."

He still hasn't moved from his position, hunched over and shaking. I lean on him a bit more and peer at him, pushing his hair back from his face. His cheeks are damp, running with slight warmth and I realize he's crying. Kaoru... crying. It's in that moment that I know I hurt him to the core with my actions. He didn't even cry when he fell off the stage and gave himself a concussion. And, yet, he's crying because I ran off.

I rest my head on his shoulder and hold him as close as I can, arranging the blanket over both of us. "I'm so sorry."

"What," he has to stop to keep his voice from breaking, "what did I do?" He sighs and shakes his head, continuing before I can speak. "I mean, it's not like you don't know I end up reading in the bathroom and you usually just take a towel and get out, teasing me about how I'm a bookworm. It's never bothered you in the past... has it?" His voice wavers worriedly as a shudder rips through his body.

I sigh softly. "No... it's never bothered me in the past." I have to come clean, there's no other way around it. I can't lie to him when he's this upset and dodging the truth will only break us further. And if nothing else, I need my friend. "But... in the past... I hadn't seen what I have now."

He shifts a little, just a subtle movement and I can feel him flinch a bit as some joint cracks. His hands tug the blanket tighter around him. "Seen what?"

I sigh, unsure what part to tell him and what part to fully avoid like the plague. "The other night... when I came up to the room to sleep off my migraine..." I trail off, praying he'll get it.

And he does, almost instantly. His back stiffens and he sits up a bit, his breath catching. "Fuck." He spits the word out like it's poisonous. "I knew I shouldn't have. I just..." he shakes his head. "I'm so sorry, Die. I didn't mean to make you that uncomfortable... or for you to ever have to see that. I just... I thought you would sleep through it. It usually takes a nuclear explosion to get you to wake up with those pills."

I nod a bit. "I know... I don't know why I woke up, either."

He swallows loud enough that I can hear it. "I... how much did you see?" He winces. "Hopefully, mostly the girl?"

It's my turn to flinch. "Um... no." He curses again, but I just close my eyes and keep going. "Both equally, I guess. Her and you. I... I couldn't look away." And now my secret is out... well... half of it.

He sighs. "Well... she was hot... or I wouldn't have been fucking her."

"So were you." The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. They hang there, in the air like a fucking speech bubble, right over our heads. I want to leave again, that fight or flight instinct screaming at me to run like the wind. But I don't even move. I can't do that again. It would just be even worse this time.

It takes him a minute to respond and when he does, it's not how I expected. "That's the problem, isn't it?"

"What?" I'm truly confused.

He shifts a bit, this time it's an uncomfortable movement. "That you saw me that way. That you didn't feel disgusted. That's what the problem is... right?"

I can't believe I'm still basically hugging him from behind, my head on his shoulder while we have this talk. But he's still cold and frankly, so am I. "No. I mean... yes. But, not how you think." Here it is, everything I've never told a living, breathing person in my life. "Kao... I'm not exactly straight, so seeing you like that... I just... I felt so turned on by it." My cheeks flush and my heart speeds up as I remember the scene a bit more vividly than I need to. "I'd seen you naked before, but I always kept myself from really looking, knowing it would make you freak out. But like that... I couldn't stop myself. And now... now all I can see is you when I close my eyes. I," I'm terrified of this, of what I'm going to say next, but I say it anyway, "I want you and I ran off like that because I was scared to death of what you'd think. I guess... I was afraid you already knew that I watched... that I did things I shouldn't have after the girl left."

His hand finds mine and he squeezes it hard. "Die... do you really think I've known you for this many years and I have no idea that you're playing for both teams?"

I successfully manage to choke on thin air. "You... you knew?"

He laughs softly. "Dude, you shave in places most straight men would never dream of, you groom like a woman, and the hair thing... plus you've always checked out Kyo's ass when you think no one's looking."

I groan softly. "Fuck."

His fingers link with my own and now he shifts simply to lean back on me a bit. "I'm not blind... not that fucking old, yet."

I blush. "Never said you were."

"Ha. You call me old all the time."

I wrinkle my nose. "After the other night, I'll never call you old again."

He bursts out laughing and the sound sets me at ease. We'll be okay. He's not mad at me and not horrified that I'm bi... or that I watched him. Once he's done laughing, he turns around in my arms, pulling one leg up on the bed and studying me as I watch him from under my bangs. "Die..."

I lick my lips and blush a bit, looking down, only to have his fingers come under my chin and force me to look back up.

"Were you serious... that you want me?"

My heart starts to pump frantically in my chest again and I feel like something heavy is sitting on my lungs. "Yes."

"Is it just lust, or something more?" His thumb lightly caresses my lips and my eyelids flutter closed, my breath coming in soft gasps.

"More," I don't even know why I'm admitting it except that I know it's the truth and I realize now that he'd never do this just to make fun of me for it.

When he speaks again, he's so close to me, his lips just a breadth from mine, his fingers smoothing over my cheek. "I'm willing to try... if you are."

For a millisecond my heart simply ceases to beat. When it starts again, it feels like a butterfly in my chest. My free hand lets go of the cover and comes up to tangle in his hair. I cover the distance between us, my lips meeting his gently. The way I kiss him is almost innocent - searching and needy.

He kisses me back with a strength and passion I always knew he'd hold. There's a conviction beneath it all that I cling to with everything I have. By the time he pulls back, he's fully explored my mouth and I feel light-headed. He chuckles softly, letting his hand trail down my neck. "Is that a yes?"

I pull him close, nodding as I curl up with him, tugging him to lie on the bed, the cover over us. He's warm now and so am I, but I don't care. I just want to be close to him.

"Hmm," he nuzzles my neck softly, "I never thought I'd ever have a boyfriend. But... reasonably speaking, you're definitely the top of my list."

I have to laugh at that. "You had a list?"

He flicks his tongue out to lick my neck and I squirm, my hands fisting in his shirt. "I do now."

"Who else... is on it?" I groan as he bites at the soft flesh behind my ear. If he doesn't stop, I'll end up poking him in the thigh with the way we're laying.

"No one," he murmurs as his hand slides down my side, his mouth coming back to mine to claim it in an almost brutal kiss. When he pulls back, I'm panting and most assuredly poking his thigh.

"Kao... I-"

He presses a finger to my lips. "Unless you're going to tell me how fucking aroused you are and that you want me to fuck your brains out, shut up." He shifts so that he's between my legs, hovering just over me.

I whimper, blushing like mad. I'm so not used to this. I'm more than willing to give up control to him, but the part of me that's always held that control is petrified. I don't know what I'm allowed to do and what I'm not in this situation. I want to touch him, to explore all of him, but I don't know how he'll react and I don't want this to end because I do something wrong.

His eyes meet mine and he studies me for a minute. "Die... if you're not ready..."

I shake my head. "No, please. I want this... I want you." Please god, don't let him stop.

Soft fingers caress my cheek, pushing back a few stray hairs. "Then what's wrong?"

I bite my lip for a minute and then let out a pent up breath. "I just... I've never... not this way... and I... I don't want to do anything I shouldn't." My chest aches again, right along with my cock.

He smiles down at me and then leans down, pressing his groin to mine, eliciting a gasp from me as he presses his lips to my ear. "Want to know a secret?"

"W-What?" I barely manage to choke the word out through the haze of lust that's settled over me.

"I want you to do everything you want to me. I'm waiting on it." His voice is so deep in my ear, sexy and in total control. This is the Kaoru I know; the one I've tried to push my feelings away for all these years.

I shudder beneath him, now knowing I'm free to do anything I want. My hand comes out, fisting in his hair to gently tug him back enough to claim his mouth again. This time, my tongue meets his, swirling around his slick muscle as my free hand slides over his muscled, tattooed arm. We shift, our bodies rubbing against one another, jeans pulled tight across arousals. He moans into my mouth and my own sound comes out in response, meeting with his on the air.

His hips dip, dragging his groin over mine and I break away from the kiss, letting go of his hair to push frantically at his shirt. Lust boils in my blood and I want nothing more than his naked, sweaty body laboring over mine. I'm turned on so bad I can barely focus.

With a soft chuckle, he sits back, the blanket falling from his shoulders as he takes the hem of his shirt and just sits there, staring at me. He waits until he's caught my eye and then he slowly pulls the fabric up and then off, letting it dangle from his fingertips before it falls to the floor in a soft pile. I swallow hard and then resume my panting breaths. How have I survived this long not knowing this part of Kaoru? My hips buck slightly and he leans back down to grind against me, his lips finding mine again.

This kiss is slow and erotic, his tongue all but making love to my mouth. I find myself clinging to him, arms wrapped around his back as our hips follow the same slow rhythm against one another. By the time he's pulled back and is making his way down my throat, I'm shaking from need. No woman has ever made me feel this before. I've completely given him control and it feels more right than anything in my entire life ever has. Even my guitar in my hands cannot compare to this.

He gets my t-shirt off without me hardly noticing that's what he's doing. I'm too focused on his mouth as he burns a trail over my chest and then to each of my nipples. He takes them, sucking them into his mouth and working them with both his teeth and his tongue, creating sensations I never knew existed. My fingers drag down his sides and he resumes grinding against me.

I can barely breathe by the time his lips and teeth and tongue are playing over the flesh just above my jeans. I'm half afraid that the second he touches me there, I'll explode, but I honestly don't think he'll care even if I do. My hips arch into his hand as he fingers the bulge in my pants. I'd touch him, but he's too far away now. His eyes dance with pleasure as he pauses everything to undo my pants. He doesn't just free my cock, like I expected. Instead, he has me lift my hips and he drags the material down my legs and completely off. Both my boxers and my jeans find the floor, just the same as our shirts.

His eyes study me, his fingers, sliding over my hipbones and then across the newly shaved expanse of skin, his hand purposely avoiding my erection. I whimper, but then moan as he palms my balls, rolling them in his hand as he gets up. Standing, he comes closer to me, reaching out and taking my hand, placing it on his abdomen as he watches me with those deep brown eyes.

I lick my lips, sitting up and reaching up with my other hand to unbutton his jeans. I can't stand it, I want to taste him like he's tasted me. I dip my head, licking at the skin just below his belly button and then nipping lightly as I pop the button free. The zipper makes a slow journey down as I follow behind it with my mouth. He's not wearing any underwear and I just groan softly as my lips meet the tip of his arousal. I tug the zipper the rest of the way down, my hands fluttering to push at his jeans, sliding them over his hips and far enough down for me to reach around and squeeze that muscular ass.

My tongue continues to tease his cock, licking up from the base of it and then swirling around the head. After a minute, his hand settles in my hair, his hips jerking ever so slightly as his cock twitches. I moan softly before taking the tip in my mouth and sucking, my eyes flicking up to meet his.

He's watching me, pure arousal written across his features. "Daisuke..." my name slips from his tongue in the most sexual of manners, his eyes darkening as he stares into mine.

I let out a pleased sound, my fingers dragging down the back of his thighs, pushing the material of his pants down further as I slowly take in more of his length into my mouth. On the second try, I manage to take all of him, not even gagging, and then I swallow around him.

He lets out something close to a growl as I slide my mouth back up his length and then lick at the tip, pushing insistently at the pants. He kicks them off, reaching down to tilt my head back and press his lips against my own. I feel as if he's devouring my soul with the sheer intensity of the action and that turns me on even more.

Drawing back, he settles his eyes on me once more. "Tell me you have lubricant."

I blush, nodding. "In my bag." Why the hell I'm still embarrassed about lube when I've just had his cock in my mouth, I'll never know. But somehow, that implies things... things that I'm surely guilty of.

He turns to my bag. "Where?"

"Side pocket."

I hear him rummaging, and then a satisfied grunt. He pulls out the bottle and a condom and then comes back to the bed, holding the items as he leans down and kisses me. He uses that to guide me into lying back down, his body coming to cover mine, settling between my spread thighs. My hand tangles in his hair again, the other holding his shoulder tightly as we rock against one another, arousals brushing in absolute pleasure. Even when he stops kissing me, he doesn't stop the motion of his hips. "Die..." his teeth graze my neck, "I could cum... right here."

I moan, my hips bucking more forcefully against his, the added friction making us both gasp. My fingers tighten, my body arching against his. "I could, too."

One arm comes to curl around me almost protectively, while the other supports him as he kisses my shoulder. "Is this what you want?" His hips grind down hard against me for a moment. "Or do you want me to take you?"

I whimper softly. I want both. I want everything. More than that, I know we're both close and if we keep this up, it'll all be over sooner than I want. With a breathy sigh, I grab his hips, holding on tight as I thrust against him harshly a few times and then stop, a slight sound of displeasure coming from my lips. "Take me, Kaoru... I want you in me."

He moans deeply against my neck before he shifts back from me just enough to adjust how he's holding himself up. I get the lube open and when he holds out his fingers, I pour enough on two of them for him to prep me. Part of me is just glad he's not ignorant of that fact. I'd rather be able to walk in the morning and really, I'd rather it not hurt. I've spent enough time alone, playing with my body that I know I can take him without much effort. I just don't feel a lot of pain there, which helps, I'm sure. Seconds later, one finger slides into me.

I moan wantonly, my body shuddering at the intrusion, my tight ring of muscle spasming around the digit. He's careful with his actions, thrusting slowly and deliberately, only adding the second when I've relaxed around him. I take it without problem, my hips slowly rocking on his fingers, imagining his cock instead. I'm so hard it hurts, my body more needy than it was just a few minutes ago. I've waited so long.

Somehow, I remember the condom and I fuss with it, getting it open and turned the right way. Then I sit up, just a bit, his fingers still in me as I lean up enough to roll the latex over his length and then slick him with lube. Lying back, I spread my legs more, pushing my hips up and making a tiny needy sound.

He slips his fingers from me, moving over me again, holding his cock with his free hand, the other arm still wrapped around my waist. Guiding himself, he starts to push in, his eyes locked with my own. Luck gives us the right angle the first try and he slides all the way in. I moan, not bothering to stop the sound as my body adjusts to him. My skin is flushed with desire, sweat slicking us both.

The first movement of his hips is enough to have my breath caught and the second draws sounds from me I didn't know I could make. Red hot need shoots through my veins, burning away every inhibition I ever had. I clutch him to me, my hips frantically moving right along with his, determined to make this feel as good as possible. I'm not just going to lay there and take it. No. I want to be an integral part of this experience.

When he speaks, it's almost unexpected. But his words please me. "I'd kiss you again... but I'm enjoying watching you too much." He pushes in a bit harder this time and I cry out, my body shuddering beneath his. This is a man that knows how to treat a lover, how to complete them, and how to be completed. I cling to him, moving faster, wanting more.

Together, we speed up, our movements ramping up, the pleasure going higher and higher with every passing moment. My fingers dig into his tattooed skin, the sounds I'm making growing in volume, a pleading quality to them now. 'Touch me', my voice begs, without even forming the words. And he understands the plea, the hand that's been caressing my neck and shoulder this entire time sliding down between us, grasping my arousal and pumping firmly.

It doesn't take much, just that extra bit, the knowledge that he's willing to take my sex in hand and get me off, more than enough. My back arches and I tremble as he plunges into me faster and faster. And then I'm gone, my world exploding before my eyes as I orgasm. Spurt after spurt of my release decorates my abdomen, the last bit coating his fingers as I tremble in his arms.

He moans deep in my ear, his movements quick, his hips snapping against me with a single purpose now. "Die..." he breathes my name as he plunges in the last time, remaining there as I feel his cock pulse inside me. I cling to him, not wanting him to pull out just yet. Part of me wishes I could have felt his release inside me, painting my insides. The other part knows we're both too cautious for that.

He's breathing heavily now, his forehead resting against my shoulder as he lightly kisses it. I stop holding him so hard and he gingerly pulls back, sliding out of me and getting rid of the condom. But then he's back, almost immediately molding himself to my body, pulling the cover up around us once again. He kisses me deeply, his tongue making a point of exploring my mouth completely before he pulls back again.

When he does, he's smiling down at me. "I hope you know I'm not going anywhere, Daisuke."

My heart warms and I pull him closer, my arms around him. "Neither am I." And just like that, I understand that every action in life contains a reason, and every action a reaction. Kaoru is my reaction and I am his.

**The End**  



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